Something not AS new

[deanl]

Hey there.

Here is the opening to another script of mine. Again. All opinions and comments are welcome.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

It's busy. Waitresses rush to serve customers with their food
and drink. Around one of the tables sit Cal, Rocky and
another man named GIBSON. Gibson is a weasel. He looks like
one and acts like one too. All
three men drink coffee and talk **** .

A bell rings. All three men eyeball CAMERON KNOCKS as he
comes through the door.

Cameron is a good looking guy in his early twenties, he
stares back and walks right past them. He takes a seat and
checks out the menu.

VOICE (O.S.)
Hi, What can I get ya?

Cameron looks up from the menu to see a pretty young
waitress. Her name tag reads DEBRA.

CAMERON
Hmmm... Let me think...

She chews on her pen and waits.

CAMERON
I don't know... I'll start with a
coffee.

A commotion comes from Cal and Rocky's table, Cal and Rocky
burst out laughing. A waitress has spilt a drink over one of
their number. They all find it funny as **** . All except the
victim, Gibson. He is up in the waitresses face.

GIBSON
(shouting)
What the **** is wrong with you?

WAITRESS
(Teary eyed)
I'm so sorry.

GIBSON
Yeah I know. Your sorry, I'm sorry,
we're all sorry. But I'm the only
one with a boiled nuts sack.

The waitress starts to cry.

GIBSON
Oh for Gods sake. Just... Just get
out of here.

Cal pipes in.

CAL
Give her a break... She's just
trying to do her job.

GIBSON
Yeah? Since when has pouring hot
coffee. On my dick. Been her job?

CAL
Just sit the **** down. You're
making a scene.

GIBSON
I'm making a...

CAL
(menacingly)
Sit... The **** down. You are
causing a scene.

Cameron and Debra watch on as Gibson finally sits down and
waitress scuttles away.

DEBRA
(to herself)
********s.

CAMERON
Who the **** are those guys?

DEBRA
I've never seen them before. They
just turned up this morning...
Anyway. Where were we?

CAMERON
Black coffee.

DEBRA
That's the one. Food?

CAMERON
What do you recommend?

DEBRA
Muffins are good.

CAMERON
Then a muffin it is.

DEBRA
What kind?

CAMERON
You have blueberry right?

DEBRA
We do.

CAMERON
Then I'll take two.

DEBRA
OK. I'll bring them right over.

CAMERON
Why thank you.

Debra goes to fix his order.

Cameron watches Cal and CO as they talk **** to each other.

In the back of the Diner, Debra is comforting KERRY, the
clumsy waitress.

DEBRA
Are you OK.

KERRY
I'm... Fine.

DEBRA
Don't worry about it. These things
happen. That guy is an ********.
Could you pass me the...

Points to a tray of muffins. Kerry passes them over. Debra
puts two on a plate.

KERRY
Tell me those are for him.

DEBRA
Fraid not. These are for the hottie
on five.

Kerry looks over Debra's shoulder and takes a look at
Cameron.

KERRY
Yuuuummmee. What's he like?

DEBRA
Seems nice. I betta get these over
there.

Debra heads back over to Cameron. Gibson, recovered from the
hot coffee, shouts over.

GIBSON
Hey, Get me some more coffee.

Debra throws daggers and goes over to Cameron.

GIBSON
Don't ignore me.

Cameron can't and won't take this anymore. He stands up and
point to the Gibson.

DEBRA
(to Cameron)
No. Don't, please. Ignore them.

It's too late.

CAMERON
(to Gibson)
How about you learn some manners.

GIBSON
(Sharply)
Sit down and shut your mouth.

Debra pushes Cameron back to his seat.

DEBRA
(whispering)
Sit down. Please. You don't know
those guys.

Cameron takes his seat.

GIBSON
(to Cameron)
That's right. You sit back down...
Now can I get some coffee over
here. Preferably in a cup this
time.

DEBRA
(to the Gibson)
OK, OK. I'll be right over.
(to Cameron)
Thanks... But I can handle this.

Cameron is angry, but he does as he's told. He eats his
muffin and drinks his coffee. Debra goes over to the Gibson's
table.

DEBRA
OK. So do we all want more coffee?

Cameron eats his muffin and watches Debra pour Gibson more
coffee. He eventually looks away and starts to read a
newspaper.

Kerry still hides out behind the counter when Debra comes
over with two empty coffee jugs.

KERRY
Look's like you've got yourself a
real knight in shining armor over
there.

They both look over at Cameron.

DEBRA
It, was... Nice of him.

KERRY
(jokingly)
You should ask him out.

DEBRA
WHAT? No. Don't be silly.

They both giggle. Debra still looks at Cameron.

DEBRA
I'm gonna take my break.

Debra grabs her jacket and heads outside.

Cameron finishes drinking his coffee. He takes out some
money, leaves it on the table and heads for the door.

EXT. DINER - MOMENTS LATER

Debra leans against the side of the diner and smokes
cigarette. She hears the door open and watches Cameron exit
the diner and head for his car. She drops the cigarette and
stamps it out. She walks out to the front of the diner.

DEBRA
Hey.

Cameron turns around to see Debra.

CAMERON
Hey.

Debra holds up a packet cigarettes.

DEBRA
On my break.

CAMERON
Right...

DEBRA
Look. I wanted to thank you for
what you tried to do in there.

CAMERON
No problem. You shouldn't have to
put up with that kind of thing.

DEBRA
It's part of the job I guess...
Anyway... I better let you go.
Maybe I'll see you again
sometime...

The diner door bursts open. Cal, Rocky and Gibson exit.
Gibson now carries a black briefcase. As they walk past
Gibson spots Cameron. Cal and Rocky walk on to the car.

GIBSON
Hey big man. Have you still got
something you want to say to me?

DEBRA
Oh Jesus. I'm sorry. This is my
fault. Let me handle him.

Cameron steps past Debra.

CAMERON
(to Debra)
Don't worry.

Cameron walks towards Gibson.

CAMERON
Excuse me?

GIBSON
You heard.

CAMERON
What's your problem?

GIBSON
Your my problem. You think you can
tell me what to do? "Do I have
manners?" I'll show you manners you
little fuckin *****.

EXT. CAR

Cal and Rocky are now at the car. It's just around the
corner. They realize They are a man down.

CAL
Where the **** is he?

Rocky shakes his head.

CAL
Wait here.

Cal walks back to the diner.

EXT. DINER

Cal comes around the corner to see Cameron and Gibson toe to
toe. It's a comical sight. Cameron is a good 12 inches taller
than Gibson and about twice as wide.

GIBSON
Go ahead ******** ... Make a move.

CAL
(shouting)
Gibson... What the **** ?

GIBSON
Just wait at the car. I'll be right
over.

CAL
We ain't waiting for **** . Come on,
we're leaving.

There is a tense beat. Cal backs down.

GIBSON
You'll keep.

Gibson steps back.

GIBSON
(mockingly)
Who knows. Maybe next time I'll
take it out on your pretty little
girlfriend.

Gibson laughs.

Cameron punches him square in the face, knocking Gibson to
the ground. The briefcase goes flying and Gibson is out for
the count.

DEBRA
No.

CAMERON
Don't worry just go inside. This is
not your problem.

From out of nowhere Cal is on Cameron's back. Scratching and
Biting like a wild animal. Cameron falls to the floor, the
two struggle.

Debra screams and tries to pull Cal of Cameron's back. It's
no use. She doesn't have the strength. She looks around for
someone to help, There's no one She steps on something. It's
the briefcase. She picks it up and starts bashing Cal with
it.

Gibson comes back to the land of the living. He struggles to
his feet and grabs Debra. Debra responds, She takes the pen
from her pocked stabs him in the leg. Gibson scream in pain.

INT. DINER

People inside the Diner have noticed the commotion outside.
They crowed the windows watching the fight.

EXT. DINER

Cameron manages to shake of Cal. He stands over him and is
about to jump on top of him when the diner door swings open.

FESTER, head chef and owner of the diner steps outside. In
his left hand he has a large meat clever.

FESTER
Just what the **** is going on out
here.

Everyone stands still. Unsure what to do next.

FESTER
Debra, your break's over. Get back
inside.

Debra gives Cameron a look and heads for the door. Cameron
knows the second she is inside. He is going to be left alone
to defend himself against these two guys.

Debra walks past Gibson. He is on his knees, with his hand he
covers the wound on his leg. He looks up to Debra as she
walks past.

GIBSON
You fuckin ***** .

Debra stoops down, picks up the briefcase from the ground and
smashes it across Gibsons face. She turns and runs to
Cameron.

DEBRA
Come on.

She leads him away.

FESTER
What are you doing?

DEBRA
(over her shoulder)
Fester I quit.
(to Cameron)
Come on.

Debra and Cameron run and leave the Diner carpark.

INT. CAR

Rocky reads a comic book from the driver seat of the car.

Debra and Cameron come running past. He ignores them and
continues to read.

Moments later.

Cal and Gibson come smashing into the car.

ROCKY
What the...

Cal and Gibson climb inside.

CAL
Go.

GIBSON
Where did they go?

ROCKY
What?

GIBSON
Where did they go?

ROCKY
Who?

GIBSON
That fuckin ***** .

CAL
Just start the **** car and start
driving.

EXT. STREET.

The car starts and speeds off.

EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - MORNING

Debra and Cameron run into the building.

INT. APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY

They stop to get their breath.

DEBRA
OK. We're safe here.

CAMERON
I don't think they followed us. I
better get going.

DEBRA
What? No. Not like that. Look at
you.

Cameron is a bloody mess.

DEBRA
Come upstairs. Get cleaned up. I'll
call you a cab.

Cameron nods an OK. They get into a lift.

INT. LIFT

They share a quiet moment. Cameron see's Debra still has the
black briefcase.

CAMERON
What have you got there.

DEBRA
Oh yeah. I forgot all about this.
It belonged to that ******* .

CAMERON
Well you sure put it to good use.

They both smile.

INT. CORRIDOOR

Debra urges Cameron to take the case. He does. She takes out
her keys and unlocks the door. They both go inside.

INT. DEBRA'S PLACE

A simple, if a little messy flat.

DEBRA
Well... This is home.

CAMERON
It's nice. I like it.

DEBRA
You're a good liar... The bathroom
is through there.

Points to another room.

CAMERON
OK.

DEBRA
Go and get your self cleaned up.

Cameron heads goes into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM

Cameron "cleans himself up".

DEBRA (O.S.)
Can I get you anything? A drink?

CAMERON
(shouting)
No thanks. I'm fine.

Debra pops her head into the bathroom.

DEBRA
OK. I'm going to get changed. When
your done in here. Go make yourself
at home.

Debra goes into her bedroom.

Cameron finishes up and makes his way to the living room.

INT. LIVING ROOM

He sits down. Down the hall he sees Debra's bedroom door is
half open, He sees a mirror near the wall of the bedroom.
The mirror reflects her getting changed. She is naked. She
puts on some jeans, and a loose T shirt.

Cameron looks away as she comes back out into the main room.
Debra takes a seat.

DEBRA
What a morning.

Despin out.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 11, 2003 01:11 PM: Message edited by: Despin ]</font>

[ickle_jim]

i take it theres something important in the case, but they dont know it?

hmm something about this script didnt work, i cant put my finger on it, im sorry thats not much help. Hopefully someone else can tell you more than i can.

[emjen]

I liked the part in the restaurant where cameron stands up for himself. I was hoping for a big figt or something like that, but oh well, there was a fight, just not a big one.

It liked it, but it can be improved. There's something inside of me saying that. I don't know much about Cameron yet but right now he seems brave but a bit 'humourless'.

I also liked the waitresses talking to each other about the customers. Keep that.